Light-induced migraine​

20150705_155625I am out-of-town with my son today. Sitting on the dock with my feet in the lake.  I am mesmerized by how beautiful the water is. I have felt strange all day but I can’t quite point my finger on why. A nagging pain above my right eye has been poking at me since we got here. All I can think about now is how bright the sun is reflecting off of the water. The water looks like liquid gold shimmering in the distant. It starts to come towards me, The nagging pain turns into lightening,  I close my eyes trying to stop it’s approach. I can see the light through my eye lids, it’s to bright I look up towards the sky. The sky is lovely, the clouds are fluffy and white. Out of nowhere, a strange alien face appears in the clouds. The face is large and distorted. The aliens eyes start to turn gray, they swirl around and around. Suddenly a rainbow prism appears in the sky, it looks almost like a tower in the clouds. In this moment, I realize why I feel strange. I jump up to race back to the car for my shades.

The dock cracks under the weight of this pain. I can’t run, it’s too late. I take another step, the crack spreads  across the dock, it runs along the ground and underneath the car. If I move to fast the ground will open and swallow me whole. The dirt turns into quick sand underneath the balance beam I am walking on. With each step I the fear of sinking into the the ground.  I walk slowly and try to keep my balance. The quicksand is rising quickly to meet me, covering the balance beam. By the time I reach the car, I am up to my knees in it. Before I can get the car door open the sink hole opens, the ground sucking me into the void. I drag myself back out and pull myself into the car, but the void follows me. I search for my shades in their normal spot, but they aren’t there. I try to look under the seat but it’s hard to see anything from within the void. I cover my eyes and  crank up the car. The radio comes crashing into my ears like a wave beating against the shore. I turn the radio down but instead of the radio going down, cold air begins to blow. I must have turned on the air conditioner instead. I try again, the station changes but it is still just as loud.

A hand reaches into the darkness of the void, down into the murky depths with me. I can feel him touching me. I recognize this hand it belongs my oldest son. He turns the radio down. He is talking but I can’t make out what he is saying. When his voice reaches my ears it’s been muffled by this darkness. This all consuming void. He opens the car door and light pours in behind his shadow, I cover my already closed eyes with both hands. He is pulling my arm. I hear his voice again, he is saying “let me drive”. When he pulls me out of the car, the quick sand turns into mud, I sink down into the ground slowly. With his help I pull each foot out of the mud one at a time. I settle into the passenger seat. Magically he pulls some shades from thin air. My vision slowly starts to return. Thank goodness he is old enough to drive now. When he was younger he would have to sit for hours waiting for me to find my way back from this dark void.

Driving home we pass by rolling hills covered in grass. The green waves start to make me feel sea sick. I retreat to the sky again. There is a fish in the cloud, his jagged teeth look like they are waiting to gobble up the cloud floating towards him. Another face appears in the clouds, this time the alien looks female her hair is blowing with the breeze. There is a storm brewing in my head lightening strikes above my right eye. The pain is intense, The clouds break and pain rolls down my face like heavy rain drops. I close my eyes and tilt my head.  The pain rolls across my brain, like a glass ball full of water rolling across a  floor. This glass ball is fragile. I tilt my head back, trying not to break the ball.  It stops rolling and  settles in the back of my head. I didn’t stop it in time, there is a crack in the ball. The water is slowly leaking from the ball and starts  to pool at the back of head.

We sit in silence in the dark “The sun is setting” His voice is clear now. It feels like tiny little pin pricks in my ears. I one my eyes opening myself back up to light as the world around me darkens. Trying to live in the light is painful, the dark is where I live now.


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